Losing Susan and Finding Hope

Happy Hump Day friends.  As you probably guessed by this post's title, today's message is likely to be an emotional one.  Grab your hankies - you're going to need them.

January 14-15, 2010

Most people I know honor a loved one's passing one date, that being the exact date their angel received their wings.  However, for my sisters and me, we're fortunate enough to remember the date of our mother's passing for two days straight every year (if you sensed a hint of sarcasm there, you guessed right).

There are many details of my mother's passing that I won't include in this post.  Some are too distressing to read about, and, my selective memory has opted to disregard a few details (that's probably God doing a favor for me).  On the contrary, there are some details I will never be able to forget, and, I don't think I'd ever want to.

The journey referred to as "Losing Susan" began on January 14, 2010.  I will never forget feeling unusually tired that evening, and, I decided to go to bed around 9:00 p.m.  I had just laid down in my bed, and, I was pulling my sheet and blankets up to cover me when George received "the phone call."  Yes, I remember that my blankets were halfway pulled when George's phone rang.  I had put my telephone in our family room to charge away from me as I have a habit of answering the phone if it's next to me, regardless of what time of day it is.  So, I missed "the phone call," leaving my sister Renee no option but to call George to get a hold of me.

My son, Nick, Mom, George, and me celebrating my mother's last birthday before she earned her wings.

I still clearly remember George walking into our bedroom to give me Renee's message.  "Renee just called; get dressed.  Your mother fell down the steps and is unresponsive."  From that moment on, January 14, 2010 became one big blur for me.  I can remember certain details - I remember calling my best friend, Denise, from the car and screaming into her ear, but, I can't remember asking her to call my ex-husband's mother and asking her to meet me at the hospital.  I can remember jumping out of George's rolling Mercedes as it turned down the hill of my mother's street towards her home, but, I can't remember why I thought such an act would be helpful in this situation.  And, of course, I remember that God-awful ride to the hospital which took about 10 minutes thanks to George's speeding, yet, I remember feeling that ride was taking too long and asking George to speed up.

By the time we got to the hospital, my mother's ambulance had already arrived, and, she was in a trauma room receiving life-saving treatments which became futile efforts on behalf of the staff at the hospital.  We couldn't have been at the hospital for longer than 10 minutes before a trauma surgeon confirmed the unimaginable: our mother was gone.  Just like that, in less than one hour's time, my mother sustained an injury, and, we would never be able to speak to her again.  We chose to donate my mother's organs in the hopes of making something, anything, positive result from this tragedy, and, on January 15, 2010, we said goodbye to our mother outside of the operating room where she would be taken for her organ retrieval.

Our Greatest Supporter

When George and I began dating in the spring of 2008, we began researching gestational surrogacy within a few short months.  After George and I realized we had a little more going on than a casual relationship, we thought it would be best to begin looking into gestational surrogacy.  We weren't sure what was involved in the process at all - we didn't know if my eggs were young or strong enough, we didn't know how long it would take us to find a gestational surrogate or what that process entailed...nothing.  The only thing we did know was that gestational surrogacy was an option for us, but, we knew nothing more.

The first person we told about our plan to have a baby via gestational surrogacy was my mother, and, I can wholeheartedly tell you she was the one and only person who embraced the idea 110%.  She didn't just accept and support our decision - she was thrilled by it.  Every day I thank my lucky stars that my mother lived long enough to learn that my eggs were good and strong for baby making, and, she was ecstatic when George and I became engaged and told her we were having our wedding at Talamore Country Club.  My mother always had a taste for the finer things in life, and, I think this wedding locale gave her some street cred.

Getting married without my mother in attendance was...difficult at best.  One of my mother's best friends (whom we refer to as "Aunt" Florence) gave me a beautiful candle to light in memory of my mother.  Unfortunately, our photographer never thought to photograph that candle, but, here are some of the other ways my mother was included in the festivities.

My mother's blue ring.  I waited for 10 months to put it on, choosing to have my sisters put it on me as my "something blue" on my wedding day.  My sisters and I also painted our toenails blue for the ceremony.

Blue was my mother's favorite color, so, we incorporated into our wedding centerpieces even though it didn't match our color scheme at all.

In lieu of wedding favors, George and I made a donation to "Gift of Life," the program which coordinated my mother's organ donation.

The father/daughter dance, where I clearly had a meltdown, and, my dad helping me through it.

Get Back to Living

As I noted, my mother was the biggest supporter of our gestational surrogacy dream, but after her funeral, I pushed it off to the side - I just didn't think I had it me take an emotional journey as great as gestational surrogacy.  Keeping in mind that I always told my mother I would name a baby girl "Hope" if I was lucky enough to do so, these arrived in the mail a few weeks after my mother's passing...

After I called the manufacturer of these letters and confirmed there was no record of an order for them anywhere, I assumed the obvious...my mother was telling George and me it was time to fulfill our dream of one more baby.  So, after we received these letters, we visited my mother's grave, and, we promised to name our baby after her in some way should we have a girl.

That Brings us to Today...

And now, you come in.  You all know where we stand today, and, when I went to visit my mother's grave today, I begged her to continue being a guardian angel to her newest grand-baby, Hopelyn Jane.

My mother had this "thing" with ladybugs when she passed away, and, this is what I found on her tombstone during today's visit.

Here's the full screen shot, with the ladybug located under the second "S" in my mom's name.

Thank you all for coming along on this  journey with us.  We have not only felt supported, but inspired by our readers who often send us emails, stop us on the street to share their support, etc.  In fact, George and I rarely go anywhere these days where we don't bump into someone who enjoys reading our blog.  On behalf of the two of us, I promise you all we love you just as much! 

Now, if you are lucky enough to, go give your mother a big, fat hug, and, give her a second one from me.

xoxo